Mo Money Mo Problems

Would you date this man? No?! Well at least get to know him first! He is 34 years old and lives in New Delhi, India. He’s overweight, quite ugly, and has a moustache that looks like someone rubbed a glue stick on his upper lip then threw a handful of pubes at his face. His name is Anurag Dikshit. Yes, you heard me correctly: Anurag… DIKSHIT. So what do you think; are you the future Mrs. Dikshit? Oh wait, there’s one more thing about him I forgot to tell you…

HE HAS 1.5 BILLION DOLLARS!!! According to Forbes.com, ol’ Anurag is the 618th richest person on the face of the planet. So now what do you say? I bet you want his pubey face all over you, don’t you, you money-grubbing harlot? I know I do.

Anurag Dikshit. Is that name even appropriate for public usage? When he’s on the news, do they have to call him Anurag Penispoop? Does he get offended if you call him Anurag Dipshit? (“It’s Dikshit, you asshole! DIK!!!”) Who knows. All I know is that if he was a pilot, his name would be Captain Dikshit, and that would be completely awesome.



As I was browsing the Forbes Richest People list, making sure Bill was keeping my future spot warm, I noticed something: billionaires are fucking ugly. I don’t know, maybe I’m being unfair—I tend to think that with that much money, they should be perfect. Decide for yourself; here are some more people who have enough money to buy a hemisphere.

Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal

With 20.3 billion dollars, Prince Al-Tal makes our Indian friend up there look like a bum. Fuck Dikshit (I feel like I have Tourette syndrome). Not only do you get way more money with “The Mustached Chihuahua,” as I like to call him, you also get a mole you could land one of his seventeen helicopters on. His dangerous stare begs the question: Are YOU ready for a ride on the Talalocoster?

Pierre Omidyar

Pierre Omidyar comes from humble beginnings. His parents moved to America when he was quite young. His mother often had to take little Pierre to work with her at the diner where she worked night shifts, while his father, a porcupine, would gather berries and various shrubs to feed the family. Pierre would eventually grow up and start the online empire that is Ebay, making a cool 8.8 billion for himself. Sadly, Pierre’s father never lived to see his son’s accomplishments, as he was eaten by a German Shepard in 1992.

Emilio Azcarraga

Emilio is proof that even retards can grow up to be wealthy people who can just about close their mouths. A true underdog story, Emilio overcame the odds and managed to be born into a rich family from whom he would inherit 2.1 billion big ones. When asked how it feels to be able to do whatever he wants, Mr. Azcarraga answered: “Emilio hungry! Make Emilio grilled cheese NOW! NO CRUSTS!!!” Emilio’s personal butler, a hard working father of six, had this to say while cutting the crust off of Emilio’s sandwich: “Man, this is some bullshit.”

JK Rowling

Correction: Billionaire guys are ugly. I may just be blinded by how impressed I am with the Harry Potter series, but I’m pretty sure Rowling’s a roboMILF. I would bang her so hard, Hermione would have an orgasm.