Advertising seems to have society completely under its control. We believe whatever they tell us, totally turning off our own minds and relying on them to sell us products and ideas that will fix all of our problems.
As much as we like to pretend that we’re smart people who don’t get tricked by such silliness, you know as well as I do that we’re all suckers for a clever sales pitch… Well in my case, to be honest, it doesn’t even have to be all that clever. Hell, I’ve bought a bunch of stuff from infomercials. They're fucking sneaky!
3:01am- Joe: Ha! Look at that stupid thing. You think I’m actually going to buy a juicer from an infomercial?! Please.
3:17am- Joe: That juice looks fucking delicious…
3:30am- Joe: You had me at “but wait, there’s more!” God bless you, Jack LaLanne.
Alright, so maybe I’m a little more susceptible than most. Whatever. I still say that advertising is a powerful force, and if we don’t do something to control it, we’ll all be knee-deep in juicers and credit card dept!
So what’s the solution to this problem? How can we protect ourselves from advertising’s hypnotic powers? Well put on your oven mitts, because the answer is smoking! That’s right, the complete honesty and transparency of smoking ads should be the model for all advertising. [Disclaimer: when you think of a joke that lame, youhave to include it. See Joe’s 4th law of comedy.]
“This product will give you cancer.” Now THAT’S fucking advertising. No bullshit, no beating around the bush, just facts. People don’t want to be coddled by misleading buzzwords and catchy slogans; they want to be slapped in the face by the hand of honesty. They want to suckle at the teet of truth! They want to be BENT OVER, AND FUCKED BY THE MIGHTY ROD OF CANDOR!
“But wait,” you say. “Don’t bring that rod out just yet! Would that actually work in practice?”
Well, let’s see. Cigarette ads are honest, and people still buy cigarettes. Sure, one could argue that that’s because nicotine has been scientifically proven to be addictive, but to quote one of the great thinkers of our time, “I heard the jury is still out on science.” (GOB, Arrested Development)
So let’s make some truthful ads. If the products still look good after being marketed completely honestly, like cigarettes, then I might be onto something here! First, let’s try it with a product that would be just as harmful as smoking. How about a car:
So let’s make some truthful ads. If the products still look good after being marketed completely honestly, like cigarettes, then I might be onto something here! First, let’s try it with a product that would be just as harmful as smoking. How about a car:
I would totally buy that. Who cares about airbags when you have a samurai sword and a jet engine?! See, if I was looking at a regular ad for some SUV, I would be left with many questions and uncertainties: “What do all these complicated specs actually mean? If I buy this, will people think I have a small penis? …If I do have a small penis, should I get a Prius or something, so nobody will know?” With The Executioner, at least you know exactly what you’re getting: an incredibly fast car that may very well kill you. (We’ve established that I’m stupid, I don’t think it’s any surprise that I’m drawn to simplicity.)
What about products that actually exists? What if honest advertising was applied to something on the market now--something that some of us may or may not have been led to believe is life-changing, maybe even magical?
“Her pleasure condoms: Ribbed for her pleasure… but you’ll still suck in bed.”
I mean, that may not sound appealing at first, but I think the warning is actually nice. If someone were to overestimate the product’s power, and then maybe make promises to a different someone--possibly a special someone--that he really couldn’t fulfill on his own, I imagine that he would probably get laughed at and made fun of the next day. Not that it would be his fault, MELISSA! …I don’t want to talk about this one anymore. NEXT AD!
I think one of the best parts of honest advertising would be
the honest testimonials. I really hate those things on TV where people say how great the product is, but then there’s “results not typical” in tiny letters at the bottom. What the fuck? So your product is not typically any good at all? With honest testimonials, the really shitty products like that would get weeded out, because nobody would buy something that genuinely sucks.
I’m convinced; this honesty in advertising thing definitely has a future. In fact, I bet there would even be a lot of money in that business… I think I’m going to start up Honest Joe’s Advertising Inc., even though that’ll make me sound like a used car dealer (which, coincidentally, is my backup career).
…
[Joe’s, uh, 12th law of comedy: If it’s really late and you’re super tired, you don’t have to think of a clever joke to end with.]
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